Faith / Opinions & Happenings

Doubts I’m having RIGHT NOW

I am laying in my bed near tears, shaking right now. I have surgery tomorrow morning and I would not so much say that I am scared as I am PETRIFIED AND TERRIFIED (basically every -ified) OUT OF MY MIND!

About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani,”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” -Matthew 27:46

Lately I’ve been asking people why they think God wanted us to know about the moment when Jesus was on the cross and asked why he’d been forsaken? Some answers have been surprising.

One made me laugh: “God had to look away when Jesus had our sins on him”. Another person hypothesized that in order for what Jesus did on the cross to have the magnificent meaning that it does that he needed to do it alone.

I have a different theory. I think that God was there after all. I think that Jesus was just feeling alone and doubting whether God was with him.

Earlier tonight, whilst starting to acknowledge my fear for the surgery ahead, I was reflecting on really not wanting to die from some complication or have my foot cut off (they don’t call me a drama queen for nothing! haha). I was scared of how painful it’s going to be and I was sad I was alone. Then I realized I should be trusting God ( to keep me safe and that if it’s my time to go home then it’s the right time), he’s the only one I need with me and he is with me. Then I started scolding myself for doubting that. And then a weird cycle of being scared and scolding myself for being scared started.

Although we can never fully understand the trinity, I don’t think God was ever apart from Jesus on the cross. God wanted us to know that Jesus, who was sinless, had moments of doubt and feeling alone (though he wasn’t) or moments where he asked to be spared from pain and suffering. In this way we know that when we are questioning or scared or feeling alone, we are not sinning. In fact, we are seeking and it’s a great thing to seek Him in an authentic, REAL, share-your-deepest-secrets kind of friendship. Because when we seek, we will find and what we will find is that we are never ever alone.

I appreciate your prayers as I head into surgery tomorrow. I can without guilt admit to you and to God that I am scared but that I’ll be doing my best to put all my trust in God.

Note: After re-reading this I realize the tone sounds oddly calmish. I am not calm. It’s now 3 am and I’m leaving for the hospital in under two hours and you could describe me as many things but calm is not one of them. The tears finally spilled over and my mouth is weirdly dry, which is awful because I am not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight.

8 thoughts on “Doubts I’m having RIGHT NOW

  1. Andrea,

    I just became a blogger myself about two days ago, here. I was searching for others who loved God and I came across your blog. So I subscribed, lol! I just saw this post come to my email and so I wanted to send you a quick note letting you know you are being prayed for. I’ve had one major surgery (shoulder) in my life so far so I can understand your tears and shaking. I have been there recently over the last year where I have had severe panic attacks like nothing I ever experienced. Feeling like I was going to run through a wall experiences. In the midst of what we are going through it may seem like we are alone and that the fear and anxiety won’t end, but it will. My dad told me recently that fear, worriness, and anxiety is not from God. He allows us to go through things to strengthen us little by little into trusting his will for our life.

    I don’t know your circumstances or much about you, obviously. But I did feel God tug at my heart this morning to write you and let you know he is with you, El Shaddai.

    You are being prayed for!

    • Thank you so much for this note. I am sitting in this hospital bed waiting for them to come get my foot ready and this made me feel like God must really be on my team today (everyday but especially today)

  2. Love this Andrea! Definitely praying for your successful operation and speedy recovery! I understand where you are coming from cuz I just had wisdom teeth surgery a few days ago. Just asking the Holy Spirit to be with you in that moment, all His love casts out all the fear. And in the midst of much pain, I cry out to Him and rejoice because I know this experience is making me stronger and more dependent on Him! Hope you’re doing well and God bless! 🙂

  3. I had open heart surgery, receiving five by-passes a few years ago. My greatest fear was the recovery procedural time involved. Prayers were continuous and recovery was shortened and relatively easy. Although I wouldn’t care to go through that again, I sensed an increased understanding of my relationship with the Savior during that time. I think you will sense an umbrella of prayer shielding you along with His presence. May the Lord bless you richly.

  4. Pingback: God Saw My Fear and Raised Me Some Serious Fellowship | Rodgers That

  5. I enjoyed reading this because we have all been there at some point in our lives. Isolated and alone having to face the challenge of not knowing the outcome. With surgery putting our life in the hands of a person we have met a couple of times because they have a piece of paper that says I’m qualified seems to be enough.

    You raise the issue of Jesus and his words when he was impaled the safest view has to be that in line with Psalm 122 Jesus knew God had to remove any protection from him at this moment. It was a lack of confidence or insecurity because of the words that follow. But is does highlight for each of us when we give our lives to God – if we live or die when facing his enemies our faithfulness ensures we and he is always the Glorified.

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