I am laying in my bed near tears, shaking right now. I have surgery tomorrow morning and I would not so much say that I am scared as I am PETRIFIED AND TERRIFIED (basically every -ified) OUT OF MY MIND!
About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani,”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” -Matthew 27:46
Lately I’ve been asking people why they think God wanted us to know about the moment when Jesus was on the cross and asked why he’d been forsaken? Some answers have been surprising.
One made me laugh: “God had to look away when Jesus had our sins on him”. Another person hypothesized that in order for what Jesus did on the cross to have the magnificent meaning that it does that he needed to do it alone.
I have a different theory. I think that God was there after all. I think that Jesus was just feeling alone and doubting whether God was with him.
Earlier tonight, whilst starting to acknowledge my fear for the surgery ahead, I was reflecting on really not wanting to die from some complication or have my foot cut off (they don’t call me a drama queen for nothing! haha). I was scared of how painful it’s going to be and I was sad I was alone. Then I realized I should be trusting God ( to keep me safe and that if it’s my time to go home then it’s the right time), he’s the only one I need with me and he is with me. Then I started scolding myself for doubting that. And then a weird cycle of being scared and scolding myself for being scared started.
Although we can never fully understand the trinity, I don’t think God was ever apart from Jesus on the cross. God wanted us to know that Jesus, who was sinless, had moments of doubt and feeling alone (though he wasn’t) or moments where he asked to be spared from pain and suffering. In this way we know that when we are questioning or scared or feeling alone, we are not sinning. In fact, we are seeking and it’s a great thing to seek Him in an authentic, REAL, share-your-deepest-secrets kind of friendship. Because when we seek, we will find and what we will find is that we are never ever alone.
I appreciate your prayers as I head into surgery tomorrow. I can without guilt admit to you and to God that I am scared but that I’ll be doing my best to put all my trust in God.
Note: After re-reading this I realize the tone sounds oddly calmish. I am not calm. It’s now 3 am and I’m leaving for the hospital in under two hours and you could describe me as many things but calm is not one of them. The tears finally spilled over and my mouth is weirdly dry, which is awful because I am not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight.