I know it’s the wrong thing to say you are silent but it’s no secret you don’t talk to me, don’t talk to most or any of us like the Bible tells us you used to talk to people on earth. Why stop for 2000 years?
I know the Bible says that your message would be heard by all nations before Jesus came again but I can’t help thinking there would have been less nations for your word to get to if he’d come sooner. The US isn’t even that old.
I want to think I’m hearing back from you but maybe I’m just talking back to myself in my own head, planting ideas there that I claim to be not my own so they must be yours. Why couldn’t you have made the Bible more clear?
And, while I’m at it, why even let sin into the world at all? You made us so why couldn’t you have made us better so we wouldn’t sin? I know that we don’t truly appreciate things unless we’ve experienced not having them (closeness with you, sin-free-ness, etc) but, come on, you made us! You can make us truly appreciate things even when we haven’t gone without them.
I really want to love you. I want to have faith. I feel like I don’t know how. I feel like a fraud acting like I do know how but even that feeling goes back and forth. Sometimes I’m so sure I love you and my faith is strong and then other times I wonder if I’m crazy, if we are all possibly crazy for believing.
I want so badly for it to be true or maybe I just want so badly for there to be something more than the uncertainty of this world. I want there to be something real and all powerful and good and fair that can overshadow and outweigh all the terribly upsetting things I’ve witnessed and continue to witness.
I want there to be a way to know for sure how to act and who to marry and what to do with my entire life. Sometimes this world makes me wonder if I would have preferred not to exist at all. But I do, I want to keep on existing and because of that, I desperately want there to be an eternity past the 80 or so years I might get on this planet.
The Bible tells us that true faith could command the mountains to move and they would. How do I get that faith? I really want it. I don’t want this little voice in the back of my head wondering whether this might all be an elaborate scam.
I don’t want the voice in my head that sometimes questions whether my God is the “right one” when I’m certain that there’s a girl somewhere whose Muslim or some other religion who is quite similar to me who believes in what she does because of the circumstance she was born into and she believes it with the same conviction many have about Christianity, a conviction that I want so badly to have all the time. What about her? I know you call us to disciple others but maybe she feels like she’s also doing me a great service if she introduces me to the God she believes to be the true God.
I guess really what it comes down to is that I want to know what to want. What’s the point of all this? I know it will all be revealed someday (or else we’ll die and just be dead) but why couldn’t you make it a little more clear in the meantime?
I’m sorry if this is disrespectful. I don’t mean to be or maybe I do. How should I know? I don’t feel like I know anything at all. I want to love you and not love the world but I don’t think I know how. So far I sometimes think I’ve been doing this weird “fake it til you make it” version of following you.
I mean, I genuinely want to be good, not evil but maybe that’s only because I have seen that goodness breeds a more positive life than badness so I figure that I might as well seek positivity because it feels better than negativity.
Please show me the path to that faith that moves mountains that Jesus was talking about. I know “blessed are those who believe without seeing” but how can every single doubt be removed without knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re there? Please help me. Please help us all.