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Prayer of the “Not Quite Sure if I’m Faithful”

This is an actual old entry from my prayer journal that I felt compelled to share. WARNING: It is not encouraging and it won’t feel good to read it. I don’t feel God stopping me from sharing it. faithful

Dear God, 

I know it’s the wrong thing to say you are silent but it’s no secret you don’t talk to me, don’t talk to most or any of us like the Bible tells us you used to talk to people on earth. Why stop for 2000 years?

I know the Bible says that your message would be heard by all nations before Jesus came again but I can’t help thinking there would have been less nations for your word to get to if he’d come sooner. The US isn’t even that old. 

I want to think I’m hearing back from you but maybe I’m just talking back to myself in my own head, planting ideas there that I claim to be not my own so they must be yours. Why couldn’t you have made the Bible more clear? 

And, while I’m at it, why even let sin into the world at all? You  made us so why couldn’t you have made us better so we wouldn’t sin? I know that we don’t truly appreciate things unless we’ve experienced not having them (closeness with you, sin-free-ness, etc) but, come on, you made us! You can make us truly appreciate things even when we haven’t gone without them. 

  I really want to love you. I want to have faith. I feel like I don’t know how. I feel like a fraud acting like I do know how but even that feeling goes back and forth. Sometimes I’m so sure I love you and my faith is strong and then other times I wonder if I’m crazy, if we are all possibly crazy for believing.

 

I want so badly for it to be true or maybe I just want so badly for there to be something more than the uncertainty of this world. I want there to be something real and all powerful and good and fair that can overshadow and outweigh all the terribly upsetting things I’ve witnessed and continue to witness.  

 
I want there to be a way to know for sure how to act and who to marry and what to do with my entire life. Sometimes this world makes me wonder if I would have preferred not to exist at all. But I do, I want to keep on existing and because of that, I desperately want there to be an eternity past the 80 or so years I might get on this planet. 

 
The Bible tells us that true faith could command the mountains to move and they would. How do I get that faith? I really want it. I don’t want this little voice in the back of my head wondering whether this might all be an elaborate scam. 

I don’t want the voice in my head that sometimes questions whether my God is the “right one” when I’m certain that there’s a girl somewhere whose Muslim or some other religion who is quite similar to me who believes in what she does because of the circumstance she was born into and she believes it with the same conviction many have about Christianity, a conviction that I want so badly to have all the time. What about her? I know you call us to disciple others but maybe she feels like she’s also doing me a great service if she introduces me to the God she believes to be the true God. 

 
I guess really what it comes down to is that I want to know what to want. What’s the point of all this? I know it will all be revealed someday (or else we’ll die and just be dead) but why couldn’t you make it a little more clear in the meantime? 

I’m sorry if this is disrespectful. I don’t mean to be or maybe I do. How should I know? I don’t feel like I know anything at all. I want to love you and not love the world but I don’t think I know how. So far I sometimes think I’ve been doing this weird “fake it til you make it” version of following you.

I mean, I genuinely want to be good, not evil but maybe that’s only because I have seen that goodness breeds a more positive life than badness so I figure that I might as well seek positivity because it feels better than negativity.

Please show me the path to that faith that moves mountains that Jesus was talking about. I know “blessed are those who believe without seeing” but how can every single doubt be removed without knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re there? Please help me. Please help us all. 

Amen.

8 thoughts on “Prayer of the “Not Quite Sure if I’m Faithful”

  1. Let me just say here that your questions are common to all generations of Christians. Your questions are GOOD questions that require addressing before the Lord. He will honor them if you’re serious about your relationship with Him, and it sounds like you are! I have learned many things in questioning the Lord and I have also learned that sometimes the question is more important than the immediate answer. Also, I would like to point out for you that when God “made” us we were not complete at birth. All our lives on earth He is in the process of making us. That is, He is in the process of making our souls complete, which is the true “us.” I hope this helps just a little.

    • Gw, I am always so thankful for your responses. I wish I had had mentors or role models when I was younger who were willing to tackle tough questions instead of just saying “this is the way it is.. Believe it without questioning. If you don’t, you’re not going to heaven or God will be unhappy with you “. I feel like that’s the message myself and many of my peers got which, as you can imagine, gave a very contorted view of relationship with God.

      • Thank you, Andrea. Far from “believe it without questioning” God calls us to question what we believe and to examine ourselves, throughout the scriptures. How else can we be prepared to give an answer for the reason we have this hope?( I Peter 3:15). No, the Lord invites us to bring all of our deepest doubts and heart-felt questions to Him! While keeping in mind some questions will be answered relatively quickly, others will be answered slowly and over a period of time so that He can prepare us for the answer. Keep going you are definitely headed in the right direction. May the Lord bless you richly as you seek, and discover, definition of your relationship in Him. If I can be of further help please don’t hesitate to ask. My contact is on my homepage at WP.

  2. Gw, I am always so thankful for your responses. I wish I had had mentors or role models when I was younger who were willing to tackle tough questions instead of just saying “this is the way it is.. Believe it without questioning. If you don’t, you’re not going to heaven or God will be unhappy with you “. I feel like that’s the message myself and many of my peers got which, as you can imagine, gave a very contorted view of relationship with God.

  3. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions with us. With this blog it allows others to know its ok. You too will be ok. Keep fighting the good fight. A lot of this is Satan getting in your head trying to place doubt and fear in your mind.

    We can say anything to God. He loves us regardless.
    Much love and I know you will find answers. As you do your spiritual growth will go through the roof!

  4. Thank you for having the courage to ask all these questions. I agree that God loves us even with the questions and doubts. I have asked many of these questions too. I have been doubtful, especially in my youth. As God has answered my prayers when the time was right, my faith has grown steadily over the years. One thing that’s helped me is understanding that God gave us free will, which makes things harder, but I’m still thankful for free will. The movie, Bruce Almighty, shows the complications of free will from a sweet and sometimes humorous perspective. As far as questioning who is following the right God, I believe we are all seeking the same God from different perspectives, though some of us can get confused, and there is of course some distortion, because we are human. I wrote a post about this, referring to the story of the Blind Men and the Elephant which I can’t seem to find right now, But I did find one on the voice of God, that you might like. I need to be very quiet to hear the voice of God. There is so much that distracts us from the divine voice these days. I believe you are moving in a good direction. Keep asking questions and listen quietly for those answers. The answers come in different forms than we might expect, and they come when we are most ready. I’m learning to be patient with myself and with God. https://joannaoftheforest.wordpress.com/2015/02/10/the-voice-of-god/

  5. Pingback: Note to self on idividuality | all4jeremiah2911

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